How to Talk to your Kids about School Shootings, Mass Shootings, and Intruder Violence

Uvalde, Columbine, Pulse. All these events rocked our community and cause us to feel knocked off balance. We don't know what to think, get upset and start advocating for change, and search for a way to feel normal again. After Uvalde, several parents started looking again for ways to talk to their children about such tragic events. In this blog, I put together three tips for how to talk to your kids before and after such events. If your child is directly impacted by such an event, it is strongly recommended that you seek professional therapy or counseling services to assist them and you process through these feelings. 


Because Uvalde was fairly recent and the inspiration for this blog, let’s start with how we talk to our kids AFTER these tragic events. Top three tips for doing this is:

• Process your own emotions and thoughts about it before approaching your kids.
  • Kids are sponges. They will pick up on whatever you are feeling. It will influence what they feel and express as well as how they express it. It is important to recognize that adults think of the big picture but kids only see the page they are on. For more on this check out my Mini Series Part 1 on YouTube.​

• Let the child direct the conversation.
  • Parents often what to script out what they SHOULD say. You may prepare for something your kid doesn’t ask and have nothing for what your kid actually asks. This is again because adults think big picture while kids see only the page they are on.
  • My advice: Go into the conversation with open-ended questions.
    • “How do you feel about what happened?
    • What have you heard about what happened?
    • What have you seen or heard at school?”
  • It is OK to say you don’t know and will look into it, or even look for the answers together (for the older kids).

• Brainstorm tools to help them feel and regulate their own emotions.
  • If you don’t know what these are, I discuss a few basic tools on my Helpful Tools page. You may need to seek professional counselors/therapists for your children so they have a safe place to process through these emotions and practice these tools.​

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​Above we covered what to do AFTER the event has happened, now let's get ahead of things. let's talk about how do we start the conversations at home BEFORE these tragic events happen. Top three tips for doing this:

• Normalize Hard Conversations.
  • This comes in handy for ALL the BIG conversations like sex, drugs, alcohol, marriage, etc. Talk about those “elephants in the room” and stop skirting around them.
  • Let go of the fear that you (the parent) are going to create more problems.
  • Let your child feel the way they do. You don’t need to fix the feeling for them or tell them not to worry.
  • Instead, listen, validate, confirm your understanding, and brainstorm possible tools. Need help knowing how to do this? Therapy may be helpful.

• Use school drills to touch base with kids.
  • At least around here, the schools tend to give parent’s a heads up that an Active shooter Drill will be happening in the next couple of weeks.  They often provide some resources about their drills. While these are not detailed, they are to help the parent prepare for conversations. Use the opportunity.
  • You can talk with your child about what the active shooter drill. You can prompt them with questions like:
    • What is an active shooter? 
    • What is an active shooter drill?
    • How do you feel about these drills?
    • How do you stay safe?
    • How do you stay calm?
    • How do you know when all is clear?
    • Why are these drills done?
  • ​Provide space for them to discuss how they feel about doing the drills, during the drills, and after the drills.
  • Remind them to ask questions if they feel the need to.

• Keep an open dialogue with your kids.
  • Make home a safe place. Even with drills being preventative tactics, it can create a scary feeling so have a space at home where the child can go and have access to calming things.
  • It can help to limit media exposure. 
  • Make sure to have a tech free space to spend time, because in the age of social media it can be hard to limit media exposure.​

Below you can find the links to a Three Part Mini Series I hosted on my YouTube channel where I discuss these tips in more detail:

If you really enjoyed these tips and want more, here are a few resources you can check out:

While I focused on the three common tips I felt most important for before and after tragic events, this verywell article discusses these tips and many others in far more detail. It also offers guidance in how to prepare for talking with your children. The article explains how having these conversations with your children can increase their ability to speak up early, possibly preventing a tragic event.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-talk-to-your-child-about-gun-violence-school-shootings-5205913

This site discusses how to interpret silence and how to listen for the unsaid information. They also give suggestions on how to correct inaccurate information.
https://www.nctsn.org/resources/talking-children-about-shooting

Both these last two articles offer great tips on how to help your child manage the distress these events and drills can cause.
https://www.apa.org/topics/gun-violence-crime/shooting-aftermath

https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-handle-anxiety-in-children-620517